My triggered little gatekeeper: How I Finally started my YouTube Channel “A Modern Spiritualist!”

There are a number of reasons why anyone would feel scared or trepidus about starting a YouTube channel. Even more so if it is a channel on spiritualism! The ego, or internal monologue (however you chose to call that defensive little voice inside your head), goes crazy with the “what-ifs” and the “how-abouts.” It feels threatened and responds by broadening its shoulders against you as you attempt to create your voice on this video platform.

I won’t make an enemy of my ego here. It did (and is continuing to do) what it does best, which is to protect me. It questioned, rather, harshly-interrogated, me and my motives for creating this channel:

“Why modern spiritualism?”

“Are you qualified to share your opinions?”

“What if people tease you and call you names?”

“What do you have to prove?”

“What if you lose some friends?”

“What will people think of you?”

“Will they think you’re crazy?”

The ego is the guardian of the “self.” It is the gatekeeper between our conscious mind and the parts of us that are programmed subconsciously. It is the doorway between what we know we want and the core-beliefs that we are truly holding. In the past I would say:

“lets dive into our subconscious and bulldoze the ego. After-all, isn’t IT just holding a facade of my “self” and not the true multidimensional me? Isn’t IT what is keeping me from integrating my unhealed self?”

At first glance, yes, the ego seemed to be doing more harm than good, but as my life got “more real” at the precipice of exposure, I chose to have compassion for my little gatekeeper.

It genuinely felt threatened! I was triggered! What more can challenge my “self” than the potential for scrutiny from the public as I share my ideas and life-story on YouTube?

Let’s be honest, the ego is no dumb-dumb! How often do we hear of cyber-bullying and social media trolling? How often do we hear about people being a “different-kind-of-honest” when they are hiding behind their keyboard? Well, since I HAVE heard of these things, and the ego is a part of me, then it follows that my ego knows exactly the potential hell it can face by going public!

How did I decide to “take the plunge” on YouTube?

I decided that I had to be REALLY honest with myself regarding my decision to start  my YouTube Channel. I had to IDENTIFY my fears, VALIDATE my ego and traumas surrounding this “going public” event, and I had to find ALIGNMENT with the concept of creating video content. I did not want to push against my ego on this one. I wanted to pay attention to it- see it, feel it, and understand it. Was my ego guiding my intuition at all?

  1. Listing My Fears

    • Well, that list above highlights exactly what I had been fearing about “going live,” so-to-speak. In addition to the fears revealed to me by my egoic interrogation, I also found that I wasn’t quite sure how future employers would react to me having this personal platform be so public. Essentially, I was afraid that I would be branded with the Scarlet Letter of spiritualism and authenticity. All valid fears. I am a firm believer in “you have to admit to where you are emotionally first, BEFORE you can do anything about getting to an end-point.”
  2. Validation and Integration of my traumas

    • I then took my emotions and put them against my favorite meditation for integrating my triggered traumas. I use Teal Swan’s “Completion Process,” which uses EMOTION as the starting point for reaching INTEGRATION between the conscious mind and the traumas stored in ones subconscious. I found that I had unhealed aspects of myself suffering from self-doubt, self-hate, anger, abandonment, anxiety… Yes, even the most unexpected things will show up IF and WHEN you sit present with yourself!
  3. Finding Alignment

    • Ultimately, I used visualizations to find a place of positive emotion with respect to me creating video content. I made a list of some video topics and imagined, in other words, FELT INTO the experience of sharing my story and ideas. Once it felt great to imagine myself creating videos, I knew I was in a better position to make a decision.

BUT I wasn’t 100% ready yet!

I use the three steps above when I make any decision now. It helps me identify my resistance to manifesting a desired outcome and systematically helps me come into alignment with something that FEELS GOOD for me to do.

The problem is, INTEGRATION can feel like a life-long process. In some cases, you may have MANY traumas surrounding an area of your life,  in which case you will feel triggered with any step you take in any direction. But I’ll tell you what, you will be waiting a mighty long time if you wait until all aspects of you are integrated with respect to that one decision. In fact, you could expect more things to trigger you as you move in the direction of what you like because, in your expansion, you’ll experience some events of contrast that manifest with negative emotion.

But that’s okay! I say, move in the OVERALL direction that feels good and deal with the contrast as it shows up! We will never be 100% ready to do something, especially something that seems “scary.” But, if the thought of the end point makes you feel good, go ahead and START!

Alas, that is exactly what I am doing. Yes, things could get tough or weird on this journey, but it sure does feel good to think about sharing my perspective as a video content creator. So, there you have it: I now have a YouTube Channel called “A Modern Spiritualist.” Be well and read on!




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