Are you afraid of rejection? (How to solve this problem!)

Imagine that you FINALLY get the opportunity to ask the man of your dreams out on a date. You want to say “Fuck it! You only live once!” but your fear of rejection paralyzes you in mid-stride!

Now, rewind a minute to the time when you began the tedious endeavor of setting up this momentous meeting, in which you dispel your true feelings of attraction for this dream boat of yours.

Be honest, you probably started out by doing the Facebook stalking thing and checking his posts on Instagram! You then somehow managed to rig up some causal encounter with him after some small-talk on line. You may have convinced a friend who knows him to introduce the two of you. Maybe you met this dreamy man through common circumstance and you chatted him up at an event.

Despite how you manage to get to talking with him, it probably included a lot of work or at the very least some cleverly calculated texts.

Surely, after that initial encounter, the subtle flirting started. It was innocent and playful and made you feel charged and excited!

Suddenly, all those fluffy little feelings start to turn south as the time comes when you actually have to confront this dream guy with the truth about your pursuit. You are finally at the point where you want to tell him that you like him (you know, that you LIKE him, like him!).

Something within you gets triggered to high hell the moment you realize that you are going to have to express your feelings to this guy. You realize that you will have to say words like “hey, I LIKE you, like you,” and that freaks you the fuck out! You would much rather wait until he made the move or just abandon ship altogether!

You get triggered to such a degree that your inner voice grumbles a reaction that goes something like this:

“this flirting is all well and good so long as your heart-throb for this guy stays buried deep inside your chest and stays completely rendered inaudible.”

-angry inner child

There is no way you would want him to find out what you really think and feel. Somehow, in your mind, you have decided that initiating a proposition is an unsafe task!

Why does this type of ‘asking-out’ vulnerability feel so unsafe?

The truth of it is, many of us make this moment (this, ask-him-out-on-a-date moment) out to be something more than it is.  The reality of this situation is: we simply have a crush on this guy! Nothing further! But the closer we get to telling him this (that we like him) the more we start to psych ourselves out about the whole situation.

Why is this? Well, part of this freak-out has much to do with all of our initial social media creeping. As we dig into this guy’s past, we inadvertently start to compare ourselves to the prospects’ life. We compare ourselves to the bits an pieces of his past that are captured in the fleeting photographs posted on his digital scrapbook. We start to think that all those posts of him are super significant and relevant and that we could never measure up to the rich history of his past.

And we would be right!

Those photos will certainly be important to him, but not for the reasons you would think. The things in his past ARE significant and meaningful because they have shaped him. His ex’s are his ex’s and his experiences are his own. But as we creep his social media life, our torture comes from our COMPARISON to his past, not his actual past, itself.

We compare ourselves to the ex’s on the page. We start to question every person he’s in  a photo with and start to guess that they may be better prospects for his life. We say things to ourselves like “Wow, his ex is hot and I have no chance of being with an amazing man like this.” We start to penalize ourselves for having momentary feelings of jealousy and disappointment and then subsequently begin feel shame for being “stalker-ish or freak-ish” in the process.

So, its no wonder that, when we’re at the point of asking him out, we feel like SO MUCH is on the line. We equate the ‘rejection’ we may experience if he says hes ‘not interested’ with “what I thought about myself while I was stalking him on Facebook MUST be true.”

Even before anything like this ‘rejection’ happens, we experience the thoughts that WE make mean “if he doesn’t want to go steady, then he must also agree with my negative self-evaluation- he must ALSO think that I’m not good enough for him.”

We really torture our minds and confidence with this line of thinking. This is why we don’t want to be rejected- it confirms feelings of “I’m not being good enough” that exist withing us.

So what do we do with this ‘rejection’ issue?

Oddly enough, all the information we need to combat this fear of rejection is there right in front of us!

As we are creeping the Instagram page of the man of our dreams, we may start to have feelings of insecurity and many other emotions of the sort. We can use these emotions to learn more about ourselves.

With these emotions, we can discover limiting thoughts and core beliefs that pigeonhole us into thinking we are not good enough. We can also use these emotions to discover which subconscious childhood traumas are being triggered by the specific thoughts of insecurity. Here I offer two of my favorite methods for questioning thoughts and for doing inner child work, respectively.

  • To question thoughts, use a process called “The Work,” detailed in Byron Katie’s book titled “Loving What is.”
  • To do inner child integration, use Teal Swan’s “The Completion Process“,” detailed in her book by the same name.

WHAT else does our fear of rejection mean?

The obvious meaning of our fear of rejection is: WE SIMPLY HAVE INSECURITIES! Although this is a simple realization, we get paralyzed in our ability to be proper suitors because a part of us feels that we cannot peruse someone until we are void of ALL insecurities. A part of us believes that we cannot be in a relationship until we are perfect.

That’s crazy talk, right?!?!

Yes, we would be waiting a MIGHTY long time if we wait until we’re perfect before we were to take an action on pursuing a mate. But we really are just torturing ourselves with the thought that “I must be perfect before I ask him out.”

As a coach, I wont just leave you here!

I propose a solution that works to release resistance to our fear of rejection, at least at a functional, superficial level, making it easier to navigate our soul-mate pursuits.

Technique for releasing resistance to the fear of rejection!

Start by taking some deep breaths before starting this exercise to ground yourself. If you don’t have a preferred grounding routine, click here to adopt my 5-minute body scan mediation.

After you are calm, on a blank sheet of paper, make a list of all the things you are insecure about with respects to you asking this guy out.

BUT, be BRUTALLY honest with yourself! Make this list as long and as petty as possible. Add as many details as you can. This list does not have to be ultimate truth. What matters here is YOUR perception! What others perceive of you does NOT matter here. It only matters what YOU think! After the list is complete, then you OWN your list (I’ll explain this after).

DISCLAIMER| Set aside your ego the best that you can here. I like to pride myself that I am self-aware but my ego fell to shreds when I did this exercise. It didn’t matter what I SHOULD be thinking, my list revealed what I was ACTUALLY thinking.

Here is a list of my insecurities (I’m being vulnerable here so be nice!):

  1. I’m afraid I’m too fat.
  2. I’m afraid that this guy will be turned off by my stretch marks because I lost over 100 pounds.
  3. I’m afraid of what this guy will think of me if he finds out that I was bulimic.
  4. I’m afraid of what this guy will think of me if he found out that I am an Empath.
  5. What if this guy finds out that I like crystal energy and thinks I’m a freak?
  6. What if this guy thinks I’m a freak because I’m a Reiki practitioner?
  7. How about if this guy thinks my acne is an embarrassment to him.
  8. What if I’m not sexually compatible with him or even anyone anymore (when was the last time I had worth-while sex?).
  9. What if he finds out that I like to walk in my underwear around the house when no one is home?
  10. OMG, what if I slip and fart while I’m around him, or even worse, later while I’m in bed with him?
  11. How about if he doesn’t like the shape of my feet because I am flat-footed.
  12. How cripple would I seem to this guy if he found out if I had arthritis in my knees?
  13. I’m probably not as hot as his ex.
  14. I don’t even think I am what any person would really find attractive in a partner.
  15. I feel that I am damaged goods.
  16. I think I’m too “queeny.”
  17. I’m not masculine enough.
  18. I am not a body builder and that make me not strong enough.
  19. I eat a plat-based diet because of my bodies restrictions and he might think I’m weird because of it.
  20. He may hate that I am intelligent because I don’t need him to think for myself.

PS- this list takes A LOT of bravery to make authentically! Try it and see what comes up!

OWNING your list!

Notice something interesting about this list. Notice how it is grounded in the deep comparison we make about ourselves to the ‘illusioned’ partner of the guy we like.

Do we even know if anything we think about his preferences is true? NOPE!

But now look at the other side of this list. Notice how much it tells us about how much we DO know about OURSELVES! This list ends up being the very guide to developing our very own elixir for our fear of rejection.

Each item in the list is tied to an emotion or emotions that could be explored. Each emotion could ultimately yield further integration between ourselves and our inner child!

This list ALSO reveals something that is equally (if not more) important than our itemized list of subconscious trauma. This list is LITERALLY every reason why we do NOT want to take action! This list represents the dream killer of our perfect relationship. This list is every reason why we approach “asking someone out” as though it were about to determine our worth and validity for staying alive on this planet. It is the reason why a rejection even seem like it will quite literally kill us if it were to happen. This list contains the items that makes even the THOUGHT of being rejected seem soul-crushing.

What the heck do we do about it?

To wrap this exercise up, I propose an easy way to release resistance to the dream-crusher represented in our list of insecurities.

The task is, for every item on that list of insecurities, write how the OPPOSITE of that point is true. You may also chose to VALIDATE each point and/or re-word them as a STRENGTH. Of course, the key here is TRUTH. Pick re-writes that you ACTUALLY agree with!

Here’s an example of the first five bullet points re-written (indented) for my list above:

  1. I’m afraid I’m too fat.
    • I know I am not exactly at my fitness goals, but who is? I am confident that when I set my mind to a task, I can accomplish it (much like how I lost a LOT of weight) and am continuing to take care of my body as an act of self-love.
  2. I’m afraid that this guy will be turned off by my stretch marks because I lost over 100 pounds.
    • My stretchmarks represent my journey, and since I’m still on my journey, it’s okay that I choose to love my marks as a reminder of my self-love goals.
  3. I’m afraid of what this guy will think of me if he finds out that I was bulimic.
    • I am confident that my awareness of that condition is what has helped me to heal from it. This PAST reality of mine is more of a testament to my willingness to better myself- an amazing quality for a partner!
  4. I’m afraid of what this guy will think of me if he found out that I am an Empath.
    • My empathy is actually a strength because it actually allows me to connect and read into many people. This not only makes me a great friend and family member, but an amazing partner.
  5. What if this guy finds out that I like crystal energy and thinks I’m a freak?
    • Fuck him! (Just kidding! Just making sure you were still with me). But seriously, here: Crystal energy is not something that everyone is consciously sensitive to- I happen to feel comfortable using them for grounding and energy work with my myself and clients (as a Crystal Reiki Practitioner). I truly enjoy how much they serve me in my reality- this makes me a happy partner to be with.
  6. and so on…

OWN your fear of rejection!

Rejection feels like one of those inevitable experiences in life.

In a way it is!

But realize, that our extreme fear of rejection is grounded in something very real and valid! We were not just born feeling like rejection was going to end our lives.

In the exercise above, realize that I kept the subject of my re-write directed on the topic of confessing my feelings to my dream heart-throb of a man.

But, since this fear of rejection tends to permeate different aspects of our lives, too, we may consider using this list exercise with regards to releasing resistance to applying for jobs, making decisions, and/or negotiating important deals.

Ultimately, realize this: We DO NOT have to be perfect when we ask our “dream boat” to go steady. We can just release enough resistance to our fear of rejection and trust that the universe will match us up with him if we are both a fit to match exactly as we are. We trust that the universe is setting us up with a man that can take OUR best interest as HIS best interest, and will allow us to do the same for him.

It is at this point that I say the following:

If that McDreamy guy can’t really be these things for me, himself and for a relationship, then he truly can go Fuck himself!”

Choosing these better thoughts will allow us NOT to fear rejection as a soul-crushing experience- these thoughts actually allow us to step into our power for good!

***

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